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Stealth Ninja Labradors: A Day in The Life

2 Nov

**Today, I welcome my first guest poster – Nikki, the dog. She will be describing a typical day in the life of a suburban labrador. 

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Listen, everyone thinks we’re just three goofy dogs. Which I’m okay with  – because it just proves that our cover is totally working. In fact, we are an elite ninja team here to protect our humans.

Yes we are.

Let’s face it – you humans aren’t too swift. If it weren’t for us a) you’d be living in unsanitary conditions from all the food you just throw all over the floor (and sometimes leave on counters) and b) that guy who stops by everyday with that paper stuff would have definitely gotten in by now. Somebody should tell him that if he’s trying to be subtle, that conspicuous white truck isn’t doing him any favors. And let’s not even mention the very real threat of a squirrel coup d’etat.

So here’s our typical day:

6:00am – Wake you up by excessive licking. Bella takes the face, I go for the hands. And Charlie, he licks his own…nevermind. This would go much more smoothly if you’d stop squirming.

6:15am – Eat. (By the way, the food sucks.)

6:16am – Go out.

6:18am – Come back in.

6:20am – Wake up the small humans. (See “licking” above.)

6:22am – Go out.

6:24am – Come back in.

6:30 – 9:00am – Morning training exercises. These typically include food snatching resource identification, ball chasing projectile locating and retrieval and practicing our sad faces psychological warfare drills.

9:00 – Noon – Sentry duty.

Sleepy Puppy.

12:45pm – INTRUDER!

Intruder secured.

12:48pm – Intruder neutralized.

Intruder Neutralized.

12:49pm – Go out.

12:52pm – Come back in.

12:56pm – Go out.

12:59pm – Come back in.

2:00pm – Recycling.

Charlie recycles.

3:22pm – Go out.

3:23pm – SQUIRREL!!

SQUIRREL!

3:24pm – Squirrel escapes. Come back in.

4:00pm – 6:00pm – Sentry duty.

6:15pm – Dinner. Have I mentioned that the food sucks?

6:17pm – Go out.

6:19pm – Come back in.

8:00pm – 6:30am – Sentry duty.

Night watchdog

As you can see, the life of a ninja is not all ear scratching and belly rubs. Maybe now we’ve earned a little more of your respect. The truth is, we keep you safe from the dangers outside these walls – but maybe you can’t handle the truth

This post was prompted by Mama Kat’s Writers Workshop – the prompt was:  A day in the life of your pet…how bad do they have it?

Mama’s Losin’ It

I’m A Banana.

26 Oct

I would love for you to be reading a totally awesome and witty blog post right now. You’re not. Would you like to know why?

In my house, silence is interpreted as a sign to talk. And bark. And even though you’re 7, edit what I’m trying to write. Or, if you’re 11, insist that I watch an inane You Tube video of a singing banana.

These are the things that have gone on in my house in the last 60 minutes, while I tried to write a brilliant post for you:

1. Flap threw himself off my bed onto the floor and then proceeded to yell at me because he was “really hurt.” This was before his miracle recovery when he discovered his missing Lego book.

2. The Beans pulled out her 3rd tooth in 2 days. I can only assume she’s doing it as some sort of financial planning endeavour.

3. All 3 dogs ran laps through the house that included running up and over my bed – except for Charlie, who requires a stool to get on my bed. Even though he’s big enough to jump on. He just chooses not to.

4. Kitty suddenly “remembered” homework she “forgot” she needed to do.

5. The puppy attempted to eat an Ugg boot, a roll of toilet paper and a hockey puck. Not at the same time.

6. There have been 2 sibling squabbles that resulted in Kitty being excused from the room.

7. I folded a load of towels.

Welcome to my world.

Oh, My Nose – Disaster Math, Chapter 2

24 Oct

This:

Plus this:

Charlie, the labrador retriever from hell

Equals a trip to the Emergency Room, a CT scan and this:

It’s always my nose that gets it. If you’re having trouble with this particular equation, allow me to solve for x. We have those windows that tip in for cleaning. That particular window is pretty low to the ground outside. Charlie was outside with his feet on the sill and I was leaning over asking him if he’d like fries with his order (drive-thru, get it? I crack myself up.) The next thing I know, he must have put his paws against the glass because the window tipped/slammed inwards onto my nose. It was awesome.

So there I am, on my knees on the floor, hands over my nose, blood trickling down my fingers – and what does my lovely middle child do? Ask if she can rent a movie. Seriously – where did I go wrong? I am SO using her toothbrush to clean the toilets later.

My nose is a disaster magnet. The perpetrators are almost always my children – and the worst injury was actually caused by aforementioned daughter when she was about three. Here’s a tip: Jumping kid’s skull vs. nose? Skull wins. That was the moment when I fully understood the expression “seeing stars” – I totally did.

So it’s not broken and I don’t have a concussion but I do have a black eye, a steri-strip and a killer headache. All of which justify a nap in my book.

The moral of our story is this: Don’t be a smart ass to your dog, he will get you back.

I’ll take “Things in the Downspout” for $200, Alex.

28 Sep

This story does not start off delicately. Sorry.

I was on the toilet. There, I said it. Let’s move on – shall we?

Next to the toilet is a window, and through that window I could hear a scratching that was unmistakably rodent in origin. Of course, like the first victim in a horror movie, I had to know what was making that noise.

Here is what I found:

Nondescript fur that was clearly breathing very heavily due to the exertion of trying to climb the 5 or so feet back to the roof where he or she had fallen into the downspout. You can sort of see it in the uppermost hole to the left. How did the holes get there? That would be my dogs – trying to get to a previous rodent.

Let me be clear – I’m not entirely PETA friendly – I love me a burger. When there were mice in my cellar – sorry but, BUH-bye now. BUT. I can’t stand to see an animal suffer. (Yes, I know, the burgers and the cows, but that’s not in my downspout.)

And so:

You’ll notice in this next clip, that the more I interact with my Mom, the more pronounced my Brooklyn accent becomes. I never realized that until I heard it in this video.

Saving lives and trashing homes. All in a day’s work when you’re the Mom.

Do you have any wildlife tales to share?

P.S. This post marks my very first video upload. I’m a little excited.

Guilty as Charged

13 Jul

It started with the discovery of a little bit of dirt on an otherwise clean kitchen floor. Total lie. The floor wasn’t that clean – three kids, three dogs – you do the “dirt math.” But this was different dirt, not the detritus of everyday living, but actual dirt.

Hmmm. Not from the potted plants. Then where? I poked my head out through the sliding glass doors. What the…?!!

That hole was so deep, if you listened very closely, you could hear someone speaking Chinese on the other end.

But who could have done such a thing? Perhaps a witness could help.

Why here’s a witness right now! Excuse me, sir, did you see….wait a second! What’s that in your mouth? A rock!!

I think I’ve found the culprit.

Frankly, I resent your insinuation. I am innocent. Ignore the dirt on my nose. And head.

We were just sittin’ here…

25 May

Chipmunk? We haven’t seen any chipmunk…nope, we weren’t even looking. Really.

The downspout?? Why? Did something happen??

Nope. No idea.

Puppy: 1 – FlipFlop: 0

24 May

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